eWhatever Guru
Skills
- 12 years cross-platform Instant Messaging (GChat AIM, Yahoo Messenger)
- 12 years web-based email applications, including 128-bit encrypted: Hotmail, Lovemail, Hushmail, Yahoo)
- 8 years cross-browser time wasting, with emphasis on pretending to work
- 4 years Foosball (office champion), Nerf dart guns, and manual interoffice Razor scootering
- native fluency in l337 5p33k
- desktop software expertise (Minesweeper, Solitaire, Quake)
- 1 year paternity leave
- 2 years layoff avoidance
- 4 months severance pay
Experience
Microsoft 06, 99 8am - noon
- introduced one of the first company-wide email viruses with 95% efficiency
- proofreading and copywriting for direct mass-mailing campaigns (monkeylove.com, bangbangbang.com, etc)
Self Unemployed Contractor 06, 99 - Present
- Projects include Ebay, Craigslist, and Lavalife Personals
- Responsible for programming automated credit card number entry into online forms
- Excellent multisnacking abilities with concurrant manicure
- Competitor personal defect tracking and criticism (bash)
Education and Training
- Old School - MS in BS, 1974
- PhdOvernight.com - PhD assumed 2001
- Fellowship in eWeaseling at Legitimate Business Model, 2003 - ongoing
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